How To Stay Married: Knowing How to Drive Through Every Gear of Marriage
“If you do not know how to properly change gears, you will assume it’s time to change spouses.”
“Why did you get divorced?" Sarah asked, a hint of curiosity in her voice.
"I just wasn't happy anymore," replied Mark, with a sigh of resignation.
This brief exchange encapsulates a common reason for the dissolution of marriages: the pursuit of perpetual happiness. While happiness is undoubtedly a crucial aspect of any relationship, believing it to be the sole indicator of a successful marriage can be misleading. Much like driving a car requires the ability to maneuver in various gears—drive, reverse, park, neutral—staying married necessitates knowing how to navigate through different phases and emotions.
Understanding the Gears
Happily Married
Being happily married is akin to driving smoothly on a clear road. Communication flows easily, intimacy is fulfilling, and both partners feel connected and content. This is the gear everyone aspires to be in, the ideal state of marital bliss.
Unhappily Married
Every marriage encounters periods of unhappiness. Whether due to external stressors, personal issues, or relational conflicts, these times can feel like being stuck in reverse. Maneuvering through this gear requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to address the underlying issues. It’s about finding ways to communicate effectively and working together to resolve conflicts, even when it feels challenging.
Sexually Satisfied and Married
Sexual satisfaction is an important aspect of marital happiness. When both partners feel fulfilled in this area, it can strengthen their bond and overall relationship. This gear requires open communication about desires, needs, and boundaries, ensuring both partners feel valued and respected.
Sexually Frustrated and Married
Sexual frustration can create significant tension within a marriage. Navigating this gear involves understanding and addressing the root causes, which could range from physical health issues to emotional disconnects. It requires empathy, patience, and sometimes professional guidance to move from neutral to drive.
Married and Rich
Financial stability can bring comfort and reduce stress within a marriage. However, it also requires responsible management and mutual agreement on spending and saving. Prosperity can lead to complacency, making it crucial for couples to stay grounded and focused on their relationship beyond material wealth.
Married and Poor
Financial difficulties can strain any relationship. Maneuvering through this gear involves teamwork, resilience, and creative problem-solving. It's about supporting each other through tough times and maintaining a strong bond despite external pressures.
Married and Physically Attractive
Physical attraction often plays a significant role in the early stages of a relationship. Maintaining this gear requires effort from both partners to stay healthy and attractive for each other, but it also means appreciating deeper qualities beyond physical appearance.
Married and Physically Unattractive
Aging and life changes can alter physical appearances. Navigating this gear means focusing on the inner beauty and emotional connection that initially brought the couple together. It involves appreciating each other for who they are beyond the physical attributes.
Knowing How to Drive
Just as a driver must be adept at handling their vehicle in all gears, spouses must be equipped to handle their marriage in its various states. If you only know how to drive a car when it’s in drive but are completely lost when it’s in reverse, you don’t actually know how to drive. Similarly, if you only know how to be happily married, you don’t actually know how to be married—you only know how to coast. True marital knowledge comes from understanding and navigating all the gears, not just the smooth ride of happiness.
If you do not know how to properly change gears, you will assume it's time to change spouses. This assumption is flawed because the underlying issue is not the spouse but the inability to adapt to different phases of marriage. If you change spouses without learning to navigate through the various gears, you will merely restart the learning process with a new partner. Without this crucial skill, you risk losing yet another spouse, perpetuating a cycle of dissatisfaction and instability.
Acceptance of Imperfection
Understanding that no marriage is perfect all the time is crucial. Accepting the imperfect moments and working through them together strengthens the marital bond.
Communication
Effective communication is the key to navigating all gears of marriage. Whether expressing happiness, addressing dissatisfaction, or discussing sexual needs, open and honest dialogue is essential.
Adaptability
Life is full of changes, and marriage must adapt to these shifts. Being able to transition smoothly between different phases, understanding that each gear is a natural part of the journey, helps in maintaining a strong relationship.
Commitment
A strong commitment to the marriage, despite the ups and downs, is vital. This commitment involves a mutual agreement to work through challenges together, rather than abandoning the relationship at the first sign of trouble.
The Wisdom of Longevity
Couples who have been married for 50 or 60 years demonstrate the importance of knowing how to be married in all gears. Their enduring relationships are not built solely on happy moments but on a deep understanding and navigation of the full spectrum of marital experiences. These couples have faced financial struggles, health challenges, periods of emotional and sexual disconnect, and the inevitable changes that come with time. Their longevity is a testament to their ability to maneuver through every gear of marriage, understanding that each phase is temporary and part of a larger, more meaningful journey together.
Conclusion
Marriage, like driving, requires knowledge, skill, and adaptability. Knowing how to be married in many different gears ensures that the relationship can withstand various challenges and continue to grow. Happiness is an important part of marriage, but it is not the only part. Understanding how to navigate through unhappiness, sexual frustration, financial ups and downs, and changes in physical appearance is what truly sustains a marriage. Only by mastering these gears can couples ensure a lifelong, fulfilling partnership.
