“Earth Abides” | A Masterclass on Emascualtion & Disrespect
The Damaging Nature of Criticism and Sarcasm in Relationships: Insights from "Earth Abides"
The TV series "Earth Abides" portrays the developing relationship between Ish and Emma, who will eventually form an interracial marriage and family. While the series highlights the beauty of their connection, it also reveals a troubling dynamic characterized by sarcasm, criticism, and subtle rivalry. These elements, often masked as playful banter, can be damaging to relationships. This article explores the harmful effects of such behavior and offers healthier ways for spouses to relate to one another.
“Being Happy?”
Sarcasm
In this interaction, Emma's sarcastic response to Ish's expression of happiness is dismissive and belittling. Ish's initial apology, though uncertain, reflects a vulnerability that Emma quickly undermines. Sarcasm here serves to trivialize Ish's feelings, suggesting that his happiness is insignificant or even problematic. This kind of communication can create a hostile environment where genuine emotions are not valued, leading to emotional distance and reduced self-esteem.
Supportive Communication
Instead, Emma could have said, "I'm glad you're happy. I’m happy too. I’ve been alone too long." Supportive communication involves acknowledging and validating each other's feelings and efforts. Instead of using sarcasm, expressing genuine appreciation for each other's emotions and achievements fosters a stronger emotional connection. For instance, acknowledging Ish's happiness and expressing gladness for his company can create a positive and supportive atmosphere.
“And none of the taste…”
“I’m a beautiful Black woman, and I don’t need no man.”
Ingratitude and Criticism
Emma's critical and sarcastic response to Ish's effort in preparing a meal is both ungrateful and dismissive. Ish's attempt to share something he values is met with harsh criticism that devalues his effort and enthusiasm. By focusing on what the meal lacks, Emma disregards the positive aspects and the intention behind Ish's actions. This type of interaction can discourage initiative and foster resentment, as one partner feels their contributions are never good enough.
Appreciation and Gratitude
An alternative approach may have been to say, "I appreciate the effort you put into this. Maybe next time, we can try adding some of my favorite spices." Showing appreciation and gratitude for each other's efforts, even when they are not perfect, is essential. Constructive suggestions for improvement should be given in a positive manner. For example, appreciating Ish's effort in preparing a meal and suggesting enhancements collaboratively shows respect and encourages further effort.
“Even if you build it that bad?”
Dismissing Efforts
In this exchange, Emma's sarcasm and criticism belittle Ish's efforts to contribute to their home. Comparing Ish's first attempt at building a chicken coop to Picasso's first painting, Ish tries to frame his efforts positively. However, Emma's sarcastic comment dismisses his effort entirely, focusing instead on its perceived flaws. This kind of interaction can stifle creativity and discourage learning and growth, as one partner feels unsupported and undervalued.
Constructive Feedback & Help
Emma could have said, "It's a good start. Maybe we can work on it together to make it even better." By acknowledging Ish's effort and offering to collaborate, Emma fosters a supportive environment that encourages learning and growth. Constructive feedback should be supportive and aimed at helping the other person improve. It should be delivered in a way that encourages growth rather than discouraging effort. For instance, offering help and encouragement when Ish is learning something new can boost his confidence and motivation.
“Can you learn faster?”
Criticism and Sarcasm
Emma's impatience and critical remark about the speed of Ish's progress in learning to install solar panels show a lack of gratitude and support. Ish's response, "I'm learning as I go," highlights his effort and dedication. However, Emma's dismissive comment undermines his progress and implies that his efforts are insufficient. This kind of criticism can be demoralizing and create a sense of inadequacy, preventing one partner from feeling competent and valued.
Positive Reinforcement
Being that Emma was expecting a baby, and therefore, time really was of the essence she could have said, “I appreciate your effort. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help speed up the process." Positive reinforcement involves recognizing and praising each other's efforts and accomplishments. This approach fosters a positive environment and encourages continued effort and improvement. Acknowledging the progress and potential of each other's work, even if it is a first attempt, can be very motivating.
“That’s my specialty.”
Rivalry
“That’s my specialty.” Emma's competitive response to Ish's frustration after his fall highlights a sense of rivalry rather than support. Ish's disappointment in his physical capabilities is met with a comment that emphasizes Emma's superior skills. This competitive dynamic can create tension and reduce collaboration, as one partner may feel constantly compared and judged rather than supported and encouraged.
Encouragement and Collaboration
A better way might have been, “I'm sorry you fell. Let's figure out a safer way to do it together.” Encouragement and a collaborative approach to challenges help build a sense of teamwork. Instead of fostering rivalry, partners should support each other's endeavors and work together to overcome obstacles. This approach reduces tension and promotes a sense of unity and mutual support.
“Good for you. I tried.”
Emasculating Criticism
Emma is deep into her pregnancy by now and to sustain healthy development of the baby complains that she needs meat. In this exchange, Emma's response to Ish's attempt at hunting is layered with rivalry, sarcasm, and criticism. Ish's effort to provide for Emma is met with a comparative criticism that elevates her father's teachings and dismisses Ish's best efforts. Emma's sarcastic question about how Ish ended up with her further demeans him, suggesting that he is unworthy. This interaction is particularly damaging as it undermines Ish's confidence and self-worth, contributing to a power imbalance in the relationship.
“My father taught me to kill with reverence and respect.” The audience can feel Ish’s indignation as he quips back, “Good for you. I tried.” This approach is emasculating and demoralizing. Such interactions can lead to a power imbalance in the relationship, where one partner feels inferior or constantly judged.
Given another chance, she might have said the following:
Ish: "I killed a cow. Not well."
Emma: "It's okay. Lord knows I and the baby appreciate the effort. I remember my first time too - it gets easier."
By acknowledging Ish's effort Emma fosters a supportive and collaborative environment that values effort and growth over perfection.
“I don’t need you to impress me.”
Desire for Validation
Ish’s initial statement, "Not until I impress you," reflects a desire for validation and approval from Emma. This indicates that Ish values Emma's opinion and seeks her recognition for his efforts. Impressing one's partner can be a healthy aspect of a relationship, as it shows a desire to earn respect and admiration.
Dismissiveness and Self-Sufficiency
Emma’s response, "You don’t need to impress me with a circuit breaker. I can do that” is dismissive and self-sufficient. While her comment may come from a place of competence and self-assurance, it inadvertently diminishes Ish's contributions to her. Emma's statement suggests that she does not see value in Ish's attempt to impress her, which can be discouraging for him. It also highlights a dynamic where Emma's self-sufficiency overshadows Ish's efforts.
The Undermining Effect
Ish's reply, "I know. You know everything and it’s almost annoying," reveals his frustration with Emma's dismissiveness. His comment points to a deeper issue of feeling undermined and perhaps inferior. The phrase "you know everything" suggests that Emma's frequent display of knowledge and competence might make Ish feel less capable or valued in the relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment and inadequacy.
The Impact of Rivalry
The sense of rivalry is evident in these exchanges. Emma's need to assert her knowledge and Ish's frustration with it create a competitive rather than a cooperative dynamic. This rivalry can be detrimental as it shifts the focus from mutual support and growth to competition and one-upmanship. In a healthy relationship, partners should complement and support each other, recognizing and valuing each other's strengths.
Emotional Consequences
The dismissiveness and rivalry in these interactions can have several emotional consequences:
Erosion of Self-Esteem: Ish’s efforts being dismissed can erode his self-esteem, making him feel undervalued and demoralized and less willing to exert effort to serve his wife and family.
Increased Frustration: Emma’s consistent assertion of her competence can frustrate Ish, leading to tension and conflict.
Lack of Mutual Appreciation: The absence of mutual appreciation can weaken the emotional bond between partners, reducing feelings of closeness and support.
Biblical References and Proverbs 31
The Bible offers wisdom on the importance of a wife's respect and honor towards her husband. Ephesians 5:33 (ESV) states, "However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Respecting and honoring one's husband builds a foundation of mutual respect and love, essential for a strong and healthy marriage.
Proverbs 31 provides an exemplary model of a wife whose conduct earns respect for her husband: "Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land" (Proverbs 31:23, ESV). The Proverbs 31 woman is depicted as industrious, wise, and caring, which reflects positively on her husband, encouraging others to respect him as well. By conducting herself with dignity, kindness, and support, a wife not only strengthens her marriage but also enhances her husband's reputation.
Conclusion
While I appreciate the pairing of these two on screen, I am afraid this episode did more to reinforce the notion of “I’m a beautiful Black woman, and I don’t need no man” attitude. This kind of behavior, if not addressed, deeply impairs Black women’s ability to function well as wives. The strains of interracial marriages are already sufficient. There is no need to add yet more with a wily mouth and an indiscrete tongue. Criticism, sarcasm, and subtle rivalry can erode the foundation of any relationship, as seen in the interactions between Ish and Emma in "Earth Abides." By adopting supportive communication, appreciation, encouragement, constructive feedback, empathy, positive reinforcement, and mutual respect, couples can build healthier, more wholesome relationships. These practices not only strengthen emotional bonds but also foster a positive and nurturing environment for both partners.
